Charles Durning Carroll

Every life follows a different trajectory and each comes with its share of joys and disappointments. For me, now, at 53, life is better than it has ever been. I have a wife and two (young) children. I have the best job I’ve ever had, and I enjoy it. At the same time I’m feeling a lot of anxiety and worry and it’s keeping me from enjoying these in-between years. I gather that the worst years for anxiety for men (and maybe women as well) is the years between 50–54–the interval in which I’ve had both of my children.

My daughter Claire is 3 now, and she’s the light of my life in so many ways. She’s clever, and funny, and loving, and vulnerable. She has no shields yet to hide behind and she still wants my hugs and kisses. My son Ethan is only 9 days old as of this writing, and I’m having a hard time attending to him, to Claire, the requirements of my job and the needs of my wife along with the bills and a large mortgage.

The prospect of year or more of sleepless nights with my son and the complications of adding my daughter into the mix just feels like a big weight. I’ve started to reach the age also, when health problems begin to become more real. I have nothing really bad (yet!) but somehow I have a hard time imagining that I’ll make it to 60 or beyond. Every little symptom is a sign of some impending doom. I’ve even wished that I would have something serious so as to escape some of the overwhelming responsibility of caring for the little guy. Don’t get me wrong; I want to do it. Over the long term, my daughter has made me happy and I believe my son will as well. But the near term seems so fraught with concerns that I have a hard time enjoying life.

I guess this is kind of a message to other men out there–if you’re in this age bracket (40-60) and you’re feeling anxious or depressed, you’re definitely not alone. If you have no idea how you will ever make it through the next few years and you’re not always sure you want to, well you’re not alone.